American poet Tracy Smith once said: You were born to be you, not anyone else. So love and honor who you are, that’s the greatest gift you give yourself. (1)
What she is referring to is that elusive concept of self-love. You know the one: You can’t love someone else until you love yourself first, and If you love yourself, good things will come – type love.
“Self-love” is a buzzword that’s been around for close to 10 years now, and yet so many of us still seem to struggle to achieve it. Finding the balance between accepting and loving who you are right now while still working to grow and evolve is tough, particularly in an age where everyone tells you to need to change or fit into certain boxes.
Thankfully, there are ways to learn self-love and self-acceptance, so you can be you with reckless abandon and live your life (mostly) joyfully.
What Is Self-Love?
Self-love is appreciating who you are at every stage of your life. It grows from actions we take that support our physical, mental, and spiritual/emotional growth and health. It doesn’t mean we aren’t working on self-improvement; rather, it is appreciating how far you’ve come, where you are at in the present, and looking forward to who you are becoming. (2)
Loving yourself means prioritizing your own happiness and well-being and not sacrificing your own needs to take care of other people. It also means never settling for less than you deserve. (2)
We are all different, and therefore self-love will mean something slightly different for each of us. Self-love can mean (2, 3):
- Accepting your body as it is
- Being true to yourself
- Setting healthy boundaries for yourself and others
- Forgiving yourself when you mess up or aren’t being kind or true to yourself
- Giving up self-judgment
- Prioritizing your needs
- Talking to and about yourself with love
- Trusting yourself
This is just a small snippet about what loving yourself can mean for you. Though difficult to practice, with some gentle work each day, these can be achieved.
Read: Please, Don’t Wait to Tell People You Love Them
How To Love Yourself and Be You
The first and most important thing to note is that, as cheesy as it sounds, self-love is an ongoing journey, not a destination. That’s right: It’s not something that one day you will achieve, check the box off, and never have to think about it again. This is why people refer to it as practicing self-love – because it’s something you have to work on every day. (2)
Some days will be easier than others, and after you’ve been practicing for a while, you’ll have more days where it is easier than others to just be you. Unfortunately, there will always be bad days or periods of time that challenge your self-acceptance. The point of practicing self-love is learning how to talk to and nurture yourself through those times, so you make it out on the other side in-tact.
Self-Love Starts By Looking Within Yourself
“Love yourself enough to look within. The journey of healing begins with you.” – Tracy Smith. (1)
Loving who you are right now in this moment is a conscious decision; it doesn’t just happen. To begin, you have to be able to look deep within yourself. This is a scary place at first, dark and full of cobwebs because most of us choose to ignore it for a very long time.
This step is also referred to as being mindful: Work to understand what you think, feel, and want. Then, act on those principles rather than what you think others expect from you. (3) Meditation is a great way to achieve this. If you are like me and struggle with meditation, using apps like Insight Timer, Headspace, or other meditation apps that have guided meditations on them are helpful.
Moving On From The Past
“If you are holding on to the regrets of the past, how do you move forward with an open heart of love, peace, and joy?” – Tracy Smith. (1)
We all have baggage, and the older you get, the chances are the more you have. Here’s the thing: The past is behind you. It already happened, and you can’t change it. What you can change is your future. It’s time to let go of past mistakes or hard times. Forgive others and forgive yourself so that you can drop that heavy burden weighing you down and live freely, joyfully, and openly. (3)
This is easier said than done. Again, meditation can be extremely beneficial in this instance. If you are finding past traumas hard to escape from, consider enlisting the help of a licensed therapist or counselor. If in-person counseling is out of reach for you, look into online counseling services such as Better Help. Not only are they much more affordable, but you may also qualify for financial assistance.
Remember, there is no shame in asking for help or seeing a therapist.
Read: How to love yourself: 10 steps to believing in yourself again
Practise Self-Care
“Self-care is an art of loving yourself.” – Tracy Smith. (1)
Self-care is the action we take to support ourselves and love ourselves more. These can be (2):
- Listening to your body
- Take a break (from work) and move or stretch.
- Take a break from social media and instead connect with another person, read, or do something creative such as writing, drawing, or coloring.
- Eating healthy but indulging occasionally.
Self-care can also look like allowing yourself to feel your emotions, accepting them without judgment, then working to move past them. (2) This again can be done alone or with the help of a licensed mental health practitioner.
Allow Yourself To Just Be You
“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson. (1)
One of the things that makes self-love so difficult is the messages we are bombarded with daily in the media and online. From advertisements to TV shows to social media influencers, we’re told that we shouldn’t be happy with who we are because we don’t have that product, our life isn’t like theirs, or we don’t look like them or have what they have.
This is all false, and we know it, yet the messages seep into our brain anyways. We have to combat those messages daily, and it’s tough. Thankfully, there are several weapons you can use to counter those messages.
22 Ways to Practise Self-Love
Use the following tools whenever you catch yourself doubting or judging yourself (4):
- Start and end your day by telling yourself something positive. It can be about how you handled a situation, that you made yourself a healthy breakfast or lunch, or that you like the way your hair looks that day. Pick something, however small that will put a smile on your face.
- Eat well and exercise. These actions will give you energy and make you feel good. Don’t do these things because you hate your body, but instead because you love it. Exercise to celebrate all your body is capable of. Eat healthy to thank your body for everything it does and so that you feel good from the inside – out.
- Drink plenty of water.
- Stop listening to your inner critic. Speak to yourself as you would to a friend or loved one. “I failed, I’m so stupid.” turns to “This was a set-back, but I have learned. Now I will know what to do next time.”
- Surround yourself with positive people. These people lift you up and encourage you. Believe in their compliments and accept their love.
- Stop comparing yourself to others. Think of it this way: Flowers and Christmas lights look completely different, but they are both still beautiful. Just because you don’t look like someone else (or don’t have the same talents or skills as them) doesn’t mean you aren’t.
Another analogy is like the chapters of a book. We are all on a different page, so you very well could be comparing your page 10 to their page 100. Finally, social media and the media aren’t reality. They are highlight reels or fantasies. Don’t compare your worst-day to someone’s Instagram-ready day or a planned-out, edited, and photo-shopped advertisement. - Celebrate your small wins.
- Remove toxic people from your life.
- Push yourself to try new things or learn new skills.
- Embrace the things that make you unique, rather than trying to hide or change them.
- Take time for yourself every single day, even if it is only five minutes. Use it to breathe, reflect, and clear your mind.
- Spend time on the things that set your soul on fire and make you feel alive.
- Be patient: Self-love is an ongoing process that takes time and dedication.
- Treat others the way you want to be treated: With love and respect.
- Learn to say no, but also don’t be afraid to say yes sometimes – it’s about creating opportunity and setting boundaries.
- Identify people who you can talk to openly.
- Find something to be thankful for every day, no matter how small.
- Forgive yourself.
- Write your thoughts, feelings, and emotions down in a journal.
- Let go of the need for approval from others. You will never please everyone, so instead, focus on yourself and being who you want to be, not who others want you to be.
- Find a happy place that brings you peace.
- Have fun: Life is better when you are doing things that bring you joy.
Life Is Tough But You Are Tougher
“No matter how hard life seems to be through these times, may you do your best to focus on something that makes you smile.” – Tracy Smith. (1)
No one’s life is a straight line without any dips, bumps, potholes, and detours. The journey to self-love is just the same. Some days it will be easy to embrace yourself and just be you. Others you might feel like you’re back to stage one.
Do your best to let go of other people’s expectations or your fear of judgment and just be you, truly and authentically. The right people who appreciate you will find you and stay. Those who don’t will go. At the end of it, when you are living authentically and loving yourself, you will be happier and create far more opportunities for yourself than if you tried to “fit in.”
So go ahead – allow yourself to stand out. It’s what you were meant to do.
Keep Reading: It’s Time to Focus on the Things That Unite Us.
Sources
- Quotespedia
- “Self-Love and What It Means.” BBR Foundation. February 12, 2020
- “A Seven-Step Prescription for Self-Love.” Psychology Today. Deborah Khoshaba Psy.D. March 27, 2012
- “30 Ways to Practice Self-Love and Be Good to Yourself.” Life Hack. Jessie Hays
