Life is not always simple and nice. Most of the time, it is quite stressful for the majority of us. Be it the daily grind or a recent particularly difficult patch; we can forget all about smiling or laughing. As such, reading a joke can immensely help the situation by reducing stress, anxiety, and depression. It’s mostly a break from the constant need to tackle everything seriously. Humor is one of the best, easiest, and quickest ways to break. That’s why, today, we have brought you ten jokes that are sure to bring a smile to your face:
1. A Man Quickly Regrets The Night He Spent With A Beautiful Girl
In today’s era of online shopping, we are spoilt for choice, especially because we can try stuff out and return it if we don’t like it. However, that is mostly applicable to defective products. The manufacturer or the merchant has every right to refuse the return if it is the customer who does not know how to use the product and breaks it! A similar exchange happened between a man and a woman who spent a night together:
A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.
So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment “RENT FOR APARTMENT.”
On the way to his office, he regretted it and decided it wasn’t worth the price. So, he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note:
“Dear Madam,
Enclosed, find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that:
It had never been occupied
That there was plenty of heat
That it was small enough to make me cozy and feel at home.
Last night, however, I found it had been previously occupied, that there was no heat, and it was entirely too large.“
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir, first of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for the heat, there is heat if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is, indeed, of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please don’t blame the landlady!
Please be so kind as to send a check for the full amount of $500, or I’ll be forced to contact your current landlady.
2. Wrong Address
The beginning and ending are two sides of the same coin. However, one of them is usually more preferable than the other, especially when it comes to loss. But what happens when the message meant for a happy beginning goes to a place mourning an ending? It is a pretty humorous situation, depending on your beliefs:
On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed “Deepest Sympathy“. While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card.
“Oh, it’s alright.” said the storekeeper. “I’m a businessman and I understand how these things can happen.“
“But,” added the florist, “I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party.“
“Well, what did it say?” asked the storekeeper.
“‘Congratulations on your new location’.” was the reply.
3. Obvious Replication
Did you know who the most familiar person whose face we see the least is? It’s ourselves! Unless there’s a reason to find a mirror or pose for a camera, we never get to see our faces. So, sometimes, it takes a while for us to recognize ourselves. If we can’t even see the obvious fact of our own faces, it’s perfectly understandable when we miss out on cases like that of these twins:
Two identical twins separated at birth and are put up for adoption. One of the twins gets adopted by a Mexican couple and is named Juan. The other twin gets adopted by an Egyptian family and is named Hamal.
Years later their biological mother and father receive a letter from both their children saying how through a bizarre series of coincidences they had found each other and had tracked down their address. Enclosed was a picture of Juan smiling happily with his adoptive Mexican parents.
“Oh” the mother says to her husband. “he’s so handsome! And seems so happy! I wish I knew what his brother looks like.”
“Honey” said her husband “They’re twins, once you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Hamal.”
4. Lightning Strikes The Same Place Twice If You Are Too Gullible
There are times when we need to trust in other people and share our resources. Other times, we have to be careful not to be made a fool of. For this person, even if the day started badly, it was going pretty well before it ended. Or, so he thought, because there was a bigger plan afoot:
A guy had his car stolen and in the morning, he went to report the incident, then continued to his work. He came back at night to find the car parked in his driveway, with a note: “Sorry I had to borrow your car because my wife was in labor and I had to use it to take her to emergency. Please accept my sincerest apologies and, as a thank you, these enclosed tickets for you and your whole family to attend tonight’s Premiere of the new Star Wars film.” The man was relieved to find his car returned unscathed, and to celebrate, he took his family to the Premiere. He came back at night to find that his house was broken into and all of his wife’s jewelry were stolen. The robber left a note that said “how was the movie?”
Read: 10 Painfully Funny Couple Pranks Played by Spouses on their Partners
5. Who Said Botanists Can’t Have Humor?
Even among jokes, puns have a special place in the hearts of many. Now, you would expect such advanced humorous wordplay from the minds of an expert poet or literary artist. A person whose love is plant is probably one of the last people expected to have this kind of humor. However, it is never good to go by assumptions as in this case:
Last summer I met with a botanist friend of mine who was keen to show me his private collection of rare tree and plant species. I wasn’t particularly interested but I went along anyway because he was really excited to show me the newest addition to his collection.
“It’s a unique species of oak tree, with only a few still alive in the world today.” He told me. Apparently you have to keep them indoors because in the 1800s some botanist called Edward Nooj discovered that their inability to cope with harsh weather conditions could lead to their extinction. My friend kept his in an enclosed chamber with special UV lamps and imported soil.
“Surely they must have be able to grow out in the weather if they lived for hundreds of years before this Nooj guy came along” I said to him, to which he replied, “Well yes I’m sure that back then they flourished, but these days there’s certainly no Nooj Oaks under the sun.”
6. A Bit Too Miserly
Look, there’s hardly anything wrong with being careful about your money. But trying to cling on to it even after your death is taking it a bit too far. After all, it’s not like you can take it with you. This old man tried to do so but got outsmarted nevertheless by the people he called friends. Hopefully, apart from the lawyer, the others were not lying about what they spent the money on!
A dying man was lying on his death bed and in his bank account had 300,000 dollars. Being a man that didn’t trust wills and didn’t want the government to get their hands on the money, he decides to call over his three most trusted people. He calls over his priest, his lawyer, and his doctor and gives them each 100,000 dollars. He then informs them that he wishes to be buried with his wealth and at the funeral they should each drop the 100,000 into his coffin. After the burial the priest announces that he must confess he donated some of the money to the orphanage. The doctor chimes in and says he has to admit that he bought a new MRI machine for the hospital. “I felt guilty but it will save many lives” he proclaims. The lawyer takes a step back and looks at both of them with disdain. “Shame on you for dishonoring a dying man’s last wish. I’ll have you know I enclosed a check for the full 100,000.”
7. A Perfect Frame
In a legal case, sometimes, you do not need to prove your statement to win the case. Sometimes, you need to prove that what the opponent is saying cannot be trusted! Of course, leave it to a lawyer to know how to do that by using the space outside the courtroom.
A young lawyer was defending a wealthy businessman in a complicated lawsuit. Unfortunately, the evidence was against his client, and he feared the worst. So the lawyer asked the senior partner of the law firm if it would be appropriate to send the judge a box of Havana cigars.
The partner was horrified. “The judge is an honorable man,” the partner exclaimed. “If you do that, I can guarantee you will lose the case!”
Weeks later the judge ruled in favor of the lawyer’s client. The partner took him to lunch to congratulate him. “Aren’t you glad you didn’t send those cigars to the judge?”, the partner asked. “But I did send them,” replied the lawyer. “I just enclosed the plaintiff’s lawyer’s business card!”
8. German Pun
Like the earlier one, here is another pun. However, this time, it is not just about the words but two completely different languages!
What do you call a German who is afraid of closed spaces?
Klaustrophobic!
9. Religious Funds
Even if you believe in God, it’s not like He will solve all your problems in life directly. Most of the time, you will have to apply your intellect with the tools at your disposal. This church was facing quite a difficult time when it came to funds. However, the minister managed to solve it with the help of the most unlikely ally:
A minister of a church meets with the church council.
The council says, “These are dire times. The church only has $5 million and we need about $10 million to survive”. They all sit quietly, looking sad about this news. The minister then gets up and leaves the room.
The minister calls the church lawyer and says, “it’s all clear to me now. So I have decided. I want you to take the church’s $5 million and make an anonymous donation to the leader of the city’s Atheist organization.”
The lawyer is shocked. He knew the minister was disappointed, but he never thought he would give up his faith. Nevertheless, he followed the instructions.
The next council meeting, and the councilors are furious at the news of the Minister’s decision. Just before they get up to find and confront him, the Minister walks in the room and slaps an envelope on the table. A councilor opens it up and reads the letter. It’s from the Atheist leader.
“Dear church leaders. Enclosed is a check for $10 million for your church. It includes a recent gift I received, plus all the money to my name. I was in hard times, but last week a miracle occurred and restored my faith in God.”
10. Misunderstood Warmth
This joke shows why a basic grasp of language is so very important. The poor guy must have gotten an absolute heart attack when he received his father’s letter. Who knew going to the city to make a better life would mean such a disaster back home!
A newly married guy from a village went back to the city for his job. He went alone so that he could make living arrangements for him and his wife and then he’d take his wife as well. Once he got a decent apartment, he wrote a letter to his father in the village saying that father, please send my wife to the city now. Since the poor father didn’t speak English, he didn’t understand what wife meant.
So he asked his neighbors about it, but they didn’t know it either. So a meeting was called amongst the families of the village to discuss what “wife” could mean. After a lot of discussions, it was decided that since winter is approaching fast and the products in city are not of good quality, the most important thing the guy would need is a good comforter, so probably wife means a comforter.
The father, happy with the meeting, went back to the store room and saw that his son’s old comforter was like a rag with rats chewing the fabric so he instead decided to send his own new comforter to his son. The guy after getting the package in the city was confused, so he read the enclosed letter from his father.
“Dear son,
I hope you are well. I went back to the store room where your wife was locked safely. But since your wife was new and thick when we got it, all of us in the family used it in turns. I and your younger brother really liked it. In fact, your wife was so good that even the neighbours and their guests used it and it provided them with a lot of warmth. Unfortunately, due to excessive use, your wife’s condition is not good and the holes have become much larger. I am therefore sending you my new wife which I got recently. It is also very thick and has not been used yet. I hope you will like it.
Lots of Love,
Father”
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