Teaching children consent at an early age is extremely important. They should know that they don’t have to accept hugs, kisses, or touching of any kind from anyone if they don’t want it. That includes family members. After an altercation between her mother in law and her daughter, however, one mom wanted to know: should she punish her daughter for acting aggressively in self-defence?
Should I Punish My Daughter?
A year prior, a mother, her husband, and her six year old daughter were at a family event. According to the mom, her daughter is a very sweet child but does not like physical affection, except from a select few people.
“She will tolerate hugging some close family members but will refuse to hug or kiss anyone else if she doesn’t want to. Both me and my husband are fine with this and don’t force her to if it makes her uncomfortable,” she said [1].
On this particular occasion, the woman’s mother in law was going around and giving hugs and kisses to all the grandchildren. Not surprisingly, her daughter did not want either of those things.
“When she came over to my daughter and tried to kiss her cheek. My daughter backed off and told her no,” the mom explained [1].
The grandmother told the little girl that if she didn’t hug her, she wouldn’t get any candy. The little girl said she didn’t care and walked away. Apparently, the grandmother continued to follow the child around, telling her she was a terrible grandchild if she didn’t give her a hug. Eventually, she cornered the little girl in a room and forced her into a hug.
That’s when this little girl bit her on the nose.
We often think about the word consent as it relates to sexual intercourse between adults. In reality, however, it is a much more all-encompassing term. According to the Harvard Graduate School of Education, the definition of consent is:
“the notion that we should respect one another’s boundaries, in order to be safe, preserve dignity, and build healthy relationships.” [2]
With that in mind, teaching children consent at an early age will lay the groundwork for understanding sexual relationships later on in life. There are two sides to consent that children need to learn:
- Teaching them to ask others’ consent before touching them, and respecting their boundaries.
- Teaching them to understand their own boundaries, and how to say no when they are uncomfortable.
How to Teach Your Child Consent
For very young kids, talkwithyourkids.org recommends the following strategies for teaching consent:
- Teaching them to ask for permission before hugging their friend. If they say no, the child can communicate with them in another way. For example, waving goodbye to their friend instead.
- Explaining to them how their actions make others feel. For example, hitting someone makes the other person sad. This teaches the child empathy.
- Teach them to watch interactions and notice what’s happening, and to help others who may be in trouble. It is important here to remind them that sometimes, the best thing they can do to help is alert an adult.
- Teach them the importance of words like “no” and “stop”. These are words that everyone should listen to and respect.
- Encourage them to read facial expressions.
- Never force a child to hug, touch, or kiss anybody- even if that person is a relative.
- Teach them body pride and ownership. For example, encourage them to wash their own private parts in the bathtub, and always ask them permission before helping them wash any part of their body. Modelling consent is the best way to teach it.
- Give them the opportunity to say yes or no in everyday situations.
- Allow children to talk about their body however they want, without shame. Teach them the correct words for their body parts, and let them know this is a safe space for asking questions.
- Talk to them about “gut feelings”. Ask them to tell you about any time they felt uneasy or scared.
- Don’t respond to temper tantrums. Ask your child to use their words calmly to explain what’s going on [3].
Read more: Study Finds Moms Are Happier When Their Kids Have Early Bedtimes
Should You Punish Your Daughter (or Son?)
Teaching your child that they have control and autonomy over their body is one of the most important lessons you can give them. As a parent, you should always encourage them to set boundaries for themselves and to ask others to honor those boundaries.
If your child acts in self-defense, punishing your daughter (or son) for it may be counter-productive. Of course, teaching them better ways to handle the situation that don’t involve physical violence may be appropriate. The most important thing, however, is to talk about why your child acted the way they did, and use it as an opportunity to talk to them (and the person who made them uncomfortable) about respecting your child’s right to say no.
