Love can blur your vision. When you’re emotionally invested, red flags often go unnoticed—or worse, excused. Still, ignoring early warning signs can cost you time, health, and self-worth. Some red flags are subtle. Others scream. Either way, they matter. Experts like Dr. Behr, Logan Ury, and matchmaker Tammy Trombetti say: red flags don’t always look the same. Sometimes, they’re deal-breakers. Sometimes, they evolve. But your gut usually knows. Let’s explore nine relationship red flags you should never ignore—and what to do when you spot them.
What Exactly Are Red Flags?
Red flags aren’t always universal. What unsettles one person might not matter to another. Dr. Behr says they often reflect your personal “values, desires, and preferences.” Not religious? That’s fine for some. A deal-breaker for others. They can also shift over time. “What is a red flag today might not be one tomorrow,” Behr explains. But most red flags stem from poor communication, misaligned values, or questionable judgment. The sooner you notice them, the better. Still, it’s easy to overlook red flags in the honeymoon phase. As Trombetti puts it, “Sometimes we just don’t want to face reality.”
1. Love Bombing
Love bombing feels amazing—at first. Grand gestures. Endless compliments. Big plans too soon. Then, the switch flips. According to Ury, this tactic is manipulative and often tied to narcissistic traits. The goal? To win you over fast—then pull back. It’s not love. It’s control disguised as romance. When someone rushes emotional intimacy, pause. Real connection takes time. Don’t mistake intensity for sincerity. If your partner showers you with attention but later withdraws, that emotional whiplash isn’t random—it’s a tactic. And it usually gets worse with time.
2. They Disrespect Your Boundaries
You say “no.” They push anyway. Or worse, they pretend not to hear you at all. Boundaries aren’t optional. A partner who crosses them once will likely do it again. Emotional, physical, or digital—your space matters. Trombetti warns: lack of respect early on often leads to emotional harm later. It may start with small things: reading your messages, criticizing your outfits, or showing up uninvited. If you’re made to feel guilty for setting limits, that’s not love. That’s manipulation. A healthy partner supports your voice, not just their own agenda.
3. An Obsession With Social Media
We all scroll. But if your partner seems glued to likes, followers, or DMs, watch closely. Ury says 74% of Hinge users see this as a red flag. Why? It hints at insecurity, vanity, or a need for constant validation. Relationships need presence, not performative affection. If their digital life matters more than shared moments, ask why. Someone obsessed with how they look online may neglect real connection. And if their online attention includes flirty messages or shady behavior, that’s not harmless—it’s disrespect.
4. Controlling or Jealous Behavior
At first, jealousy might seem flattering. But when it becomes control, it’s toxic. Trombetti says control often begins with small demands—what you wear, who you see, how you spend time. Soon, you feel isolated and on edge. You stop doing things you love to avoid conflict. This is emotional abuse in disguise. A loving partner supports your freedom. A controlling one chips away at it. The goal isn’t connection—it’s power. Jealousy may sound like concern, but it’s often fear in disguise. And fear is not a foundation for love.
5. Lack of Communication
Communication is the glue of any relationship. When it’s missing, things fall apart. If your partner ignores texts, talks over you, or avoids emotional honesty—take note. Dr. Behr suggests patience for different communication styles—but warns silence isn’t golden here. If your needs are met with indifference, or you always initiate hard conversations, something’s off. Disconnection isn’t always loud. Sometimes, it’s a quiet drift into emotional distance. Real love means showing up—even when it’s uncomfortable. You can’t build connection without clarity.
Read More: 20 Red Flags That Indicate Someone Is Untrustworthy
6. Extreme Emotional Reactions
Does your partner explode with rage or freeze you out with silence? Neither is okay. Trombetti says uncontrollable emotions are serious red flags. They point to future emotional—or physical—abuse. On the flip side, a lack of emotion is also dangerous. If your partner shuts down, refuses to apologize, or reacts in ways that scare you, it’s not just a bad day—it’s a warning. Empathy matters. So does emotional maturity. You want calm, not chaos. If you’re constantly bracing for their next outburst, that’s not love—it’s survival.
7. Bad Relationships With Friends or Family
Nobody has a perfect backstory. But if someone constantly bashes loved ones or has zero healthy ties, pause. Dr. Behr says this could reflect deeper relational issues. Ury recommends asking questions before judging. Maybe they’ve faced trauma or have difficult family dynamics. But if they burn every bridge, refuse to take accountability, or expect you to cut ties too, that’s a red flag. Healthy people maintain or repair relationships. If they’re always the victim, there may be more to the story than they admit.
8. Gaslighting and Avoiding Accountability
You express hurt. They say, “You’re imagining things.” This is gaslighting—and it’s a major red flag. Trombetti calls it emotional manipulation. It makes you doubt your memories, feelings, and sanity. Gaslighting often appears with blame-shifting and denial. If your partner never apologizes—or makes you the problem—run. A partner who can’t own their part won’t build a future with you. They’ll rewrite the past instead. Healthy relationships include accountability, not mind games. If every argument ends with you apologizing, check who’s really at fault.
9. You Feel More Anxious Than Secure
Your gut isn’t lying. If you feel uneasy most of the time, something’s off. A relationship should bring peace—not daily tension. Dr. Behr urges you to check in with yourself when that happens. Ask: “Do I feel calm or stressed when I’m with them?” Your body often knows before your mind does. If love feels like walking on eggshells, it’s not love—it’s fear. Safety isn’t a luxury in relationships. It’s a baseline. If you’re anxious more than happy, that’s not your forever person.
How to Spot Red Flags Sooner
Most red flags become obvious after the breakup. Sound familiar? Ury says it’s common to miss them while you’re emotionally hooked. But you can improve your radar. Start by writing a list of red flags from past partners. Next time they pop up, don’t rationalize—run. If you notice them early, you’ll save time, energy, and self-esteem. Love isn’t blind—it’s just hopeful. But hope won’t fix harmful patterns.
What to Do When You See a Red Flag
Spotting a red flag doesn’t mean you must break up immediately. But it does mean you should act. First, don’t ignore it. If it feels off, it probably is. “Signs need to be interpreted,” Dr. Behr says. Use them as a cue to pause and evaluate. Once you’ve identified the issue, reflect. Ask: “Am I being too harsh—or is this a real concern?” Understanding your feelings helps you communicate them clearly. It also keeps the conversation grounded. If it still feels wrong, talk it out. Be honest about what you need. Dr. Behr advises: “Let your partner know how it affects you and why it matters.” They may be unaware of their impact. Clarity leads to better understanding. And sometimes, a conversation is all it takes to fix things.
Know When to Walk Away
But if they dismiss your concerns or the behavior continues, don’t wait around. As Dr. Behr puts it, “It may be time to cut your losses.” Compatibility matters. So does mental health. If the relationship affects your well-being, that’s a sign to move on. Not all red flags are created equal. Some are fixable. Others, like abuse, are not. Dr. Behr is clear: if you’re in harm’s way, it’s not a red flag—it’s a stop sign. Leave immediately. No explanation needed. You can work through miscommunication. You can’t fix abuse.
Final Thoughts: Trust Your Gut, Not the Potential
Red flags aren’t just warnings. They’re wisdom from your past experiences. You don’t need a perfect partner. But you do need safety, respect, and emotional stability. If someone shows you who they are—believe them. If you constantly feel anxious, controlled, or unheard, love isn’t enough. You’re not asking for too much. You’re asking the wrong person. And if love ever feels like walking on glass, it’s time to walk away.
Read More: 6 Toxic Phrases That Serve as Red Flags in Relationships